Adventures in Grocery Shopping

I awoke Wednesday morning bleary-eyed, cotton-mouthed and brain-addled to Adam murmuring in my ear.

Sweet nothings?

Not a chance.

It was something more along the lines of, "Do you you need the car today?" and, in a desperate attempt to return to my dreams, I gladly told him he could have it.

When I "officially" woke up 30 minutes later, I realized my mistake. You see, on occasion, I dream about making food. Shopping, chopping, sauteing...the whole bit. And yesterday, my early morning dreams were such that once I awoke I simply had to make that risotto-ish stuffed bell pepper with roasted asparagus.

One slight problem: no car.

No big deal. I've walked to the store on numerous occasions. We have 3 grocery stores nearby and yesterday I decided to patronize the one that is cheapest and, incidentally, the farthest away at 15 or so blocks.

On my way out the front door I saw, from the corner of my eye, the handy handled re-usable sack we often use for grocery shopping. However, I decided not to bring it because it has the name of another store on it and I thought it might be rude. Southern politeness and all.

Here's what I bought:

1. Bag o' carrots
2. Bag o' celery
3. 5 peaches (they were on sale)
4. 3 onions
5. Can of brown lentils
6. 2 stalks of asparagus
7. Wedge of Parmesan cheese
8. 4 red bell peppers
9. Rice

Notice something here? Most of these things are somewhat heavy...especially when put together. It is at this point that I realize that usually, when I walk to the store, it is to buy a few things (bread....fruit...cereal) and not the makings for an entire meal.

At the checkout, I asked for paper sacks because I once carried a bunch of groceries home in plastic sacks and, by the time I arrived home, one of the sacks snapped. In the melee of spilled groceries, a jar of plum jelly was broken. It was the key ingredient in another one of my "dream recipes."

(On that particular occasion, I sieved through the jelly to pick out all the broken bits of glass. That night, as Adam was about to take a bite, I nonchalantly said, "Be careful, there might be glass in it. If you bite down on something hard just spit it out." The meals I make can really be quite eventful.)

But I digress.

On my way out of the store with two cumbersome sacks (that were uncharacteristically handle-less) I decided things weren't so bad.

I changed my mind after block 1.

So I sat the sacks down, readjusted, and moved on again thinking that it wasn't so bad. By the time I was at the 2nd block I thought I would die.

And so on, and so forth.

By the time I was halfway home I started having out-of-control fantasies.

1. I imagined leaving one of the bags in a hidey-hole and coming to retrieve it in the dark of night.

2. Despite my hard and fast rule about no hitch-hiking, I imagined hitching a ride with one of the many people who drove by who were presumably saying, "Look at that poor girl walking home with her grocery sacks. Hahahahah".

3. For one blissful moment, I saw a little boy and seriously considered bribing him to help me...."Hey little boy, I'll give you a carrot if you carry one of my sacks." Maybe not.

I was 3/4 of the way home when the bottom to one of my sacks broke and a bell pepper and an onion rolled out. I then ran down the street, grocery sacks flapping in arms, to retrieve the renegade produce.

At this point, sweat was running down my face. My arms were screaming and I honestly saw what I believe was a mirage of a grocery cart in the middle of the street up ahead.

I credit that cart, mirage or no, with giving me the will-power to get home, cursing Adam heartily all the way.

And today my arms, my neck and, oddly enough, my bottom are sore. What's worse, our tub is so small that trying to submerge all three looks a bit like water-yoga...if there is such a thing.

Lessons Learned:
1. Don't dream about making food and if you do...don't act on it.
2. Don't worry about offending grocery store chains
3. Don't agree to anything first thing in the morning.