Old Pick Up Line

The thing I love most about my new job is being within walking distance of several parks. On nice days, I walk down to the park, lie in the grass and eat my lunch. Scarfing down a quick lunch at my desk, in my car or while sitting on an uncomfortable chair in the "break room" is a happily distant memory.

Of course, the best part of any park is not the grass. Or the fountains. Or the dog park. It is the people-watching. Since I started spending my lunches at the park, I have been witness to several interesting sights.

Two men walking hand-in-hand down a tree lined path with bathrobes on their bodies and what looked like an avocado mask on their faces.

A toddler systematically pulling out strands of hair from his baby brother's head.

A man with a white tux and Mickey Mouse ears walking his dog. (I've previously seen him playing his saxophone over on Burnside.)

However, nothing can top what I saw today. The grass was a little damp so I opted to sit on a bench with my apple and my book. As I was getting comfortable, an object to the right of me caught my eye.

That object was actually an elderly man in an electric wheelchair moving v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y towards the park. I surreptitiously watched him until he got about even with me, at which point he stopped. I shifted my eyes back to my book and assumed he was drinking out of the water fountain next to him.

Then, out of nowhere, an elderly woman comes charging along with her dog. She is heading right towards me and I start to wonder if she can even see me. When she gets to my bench, she walks right past it and her dog jumps up, licks my apple, and then goes over the top of the bench a la Buster Keaton. The elderly lady doesn't even notice. She stares at the elderly man in the electric wheelchair and yells,

"Bob! Are you okay? Do you need me to call 9-1-1?"

At which point, I turn around and see "Bob" clutching his chest. I immediately feel a spurt of panic and guilt. Panic because I think this guy is about to have a heart attack in front of me and guilt because here I've been reading my book with no idea that there are life and death events in my midst. Luckily, Bob responds:

"No. I'm fine. I just get a little winded coming up that hill."

Which leaves me to wonder how you get winded in an electric wheelchair. Maybe the sheer thrill of it takes your breath away?

"Okay, well I'm going to sit right her on this bench until you feel better. If you need help, just tell me and I'll call 9-1-1."

Elderly lady plops down next to me. Her dog jumps in my lap, licks my apple again and stares at me. His name was Lucky (I saw it on his collar) and he was a black terrier-looking thing. I don't think Elderly Lady even knew I was there. She was practically consuming poor Bob with her gaze.

After a few minutes, Bob carefully maneuvers back to the middle of the sidewalk and continues up the hill. Elderly Lady stands (so does Lucky....which his paw on my nose) and yells:

"Bob! I'm going to watch you go up this hill! If you need help, if you need 9-1-1, just wave your hand!"

"Okay!" Bob says.

With a wave of his hand.

That small wave is all it takes. Elderly Lady takes off at a fast pace behind Bob...with Lucky trailing behind.

I was left sitting on the bench with a partially eaten, fully licked apple wondering what had just occurred. It was clear that Bob wanted to keep his distance from Elderly Lady about as much as she wanted to shorten it. Why was Elderly Lady harassing poor Elderly Bob? Then it occurred to me. She was totally flirting with him!

Is that the progression of flirtation in life? You start out in grade school by hitting the person you like. Then you move to junior high and completely ignore them. Then there's high school where everything they say is so funny and so smart!

And on and on until your twilight years when you promise to call 9-1-1 in case the other person has a heart attack right there in their electric wheelchair.

Well, it gives a person something to look forward to.