Strange days...

So, without going into too much detail, let me just say that I am once again looking for work. And I'm not happy about it. The story of my recent unemployment is long and complicated so I won't dwell on it except to say that I am finished with non-profits.

I'm going to be greedy from now on. Screw the planet. Screw the animals. I'm looking out for #1. (Okay, and maybe numbers 2, 3 and 4) Bring on the money...my goal now is to get a job that pays a lot. I'll be rolling in the money.

Until I go to grad school in about a year. Then I'll be broke again.

Oh resumes and interviews...I really know ye. In fact, I know ye a little too much. In my years since college, I think I've spent more time applying for jobs than I've actually spent working.

Okay, that isn't entirely true but it certainly feels true today.

In these past years, I've learned some important interview tips that I will now impart to you:

1. Don't look sexy
2. Don't look too trendy or too rich
3. Don't look too poor
4. Don't look too smart

Basically, don't look too anything. If you can look like an asexual person who may or may not have money and may or may not have ambition then you are on the right track. Be ambiguous but smart. But not too smart (as in, don't correct your interviewer when they confuse Long Island with Long Beach. Just nod and smile.)

Most importantly, don't have big boobs. I know this may be a tad crass (sorry Mom, if you are reading) but having big boobs in the workforce is a big downfall. People don't take you seriously. The women in the office hate you. The men in the office either avoid or ogle you. I have seen this time and again. When I can disguise my big boobs, everything is golden. If I make a misstep, and happen to show my big boobs, all is lost.

So imagine my disappointment this morning when I couldn't quite get the safety pin to close the gap between the buttons on my button-down shirt. Any girl with big boobs will tell you that the button-down shirt is a curse. It fits everywhere but at the boobs at which point it gapes open to reveal the bra and skin underneath.

All in all, not a good look for an interview. Usually, I can manipulate a safety pin in-between the buttons but this is truly an art form. Sadly, I was lacking in that art form this morning. On all 4 of my button-down shirts. And please don't say that I could simply sew a button on the inside to hold it together. I can't simply sew anything.

Instead I wore a black short sleeved sweater and gray pants. It wasn't my usual interview attire but I thought it was okay.

On my way to the bus a guy whistled. Granted, he was old and probably partially blind but this was still a bad sign. On the bus I was told I had a nice ass. By a woman. Things were getting worse.

By the time I arrived to the interview I felt like nothing more than a harlot and was half-tempted to turn around and head home. But, damn it, I was wearing heels. And Spanx. I wasn't going to put my body through those rigors for nothing.

I went to the interview and was so preoccupied with trying to hide my boobs that I don't even know if it went well. Oh well.

The bus ride home was uneventful except for this lovely conversation:

Man/Woman (I couldn't quite tell which): I used to have a purse like that.
Me: Oh really?
Man/Woman: Yeah. I kept locks in it. Do you have locks in yours?
Me: Locks? (locks?!) Um....no.
Man/Woman: Why not?
Me: I...don't know.
Man/Woman: Oh, well. You should carry locks with you.

I have no idea what this conversation meant but I was glad when it was over. The Man/Woman got off the bus at the methodone clinic near my house. Very fitting, I think.